You would be shocked at the number of people who find Mommyish by Googling "how to become a milf" or “How To Be A MILF” or “Tips For Being A MILF” or with just the keyword MILF. Either Mommyish has a reputation for being where the MILFS are or women are super desperate for pro-tips on becoming a MILF. If you don’t know what a MILF is (and some women don’t, my own mother had to ask me and that was rather awkward) you can Google that shit and then come back after you know what it means. I’m a total MILF, you can even ask my husband, because he finds me the most desirable woman ever, so I think I’m an expert on this topic. And because I’m also super nice, I will share with you all of my tips on how to be a MILF right here.
Personal hygiene is your first step for to be a MILF. Nothing says “I’m a MILF” more than having brushed teeth and taking a bath. This can be hard to do when you have a young baby, so I suggest investing in a bouncy seat or portable swing you can haul into the bathroom with you when you shower or bathe. if you just plop your infant down on your bath rug you will be all nervous, and if you wait to bathe while baby naps then baby will magically sense this and before you can even get your water to bath temperature baby will start screaming like it is being strangled by a venetian blind cord and you will have to run into the nursery wearing only a threadbare towel that possibly has bleach spots on it from also being used to clean your bathroom with Clorox bathroom cleaner.
And if you don’t have a clean bathroom you probably won’t be too psyched about using it to bathe or shower so also, have a clean bathroom. You also need a bucket. Actually, yes, your first step to becoming a MILF means buying a bucket because children between the ages of two and 10 have GUYS in the bathroom. These can be Barbie guys or rubber ducky guys or action figure guys and nothing will ruin your bathing experience more than sitting on a He-Man head, so grab a bucket and put all the guys taking up valuable edge of bathtub real estate into the bucket and take a nice warm bathtub guy-less bath or shower. You can purchase a bucket at Target or any dollar store.
When you think about all of the people you know who you enjoy spending time with, I bet they all offer you delicious snacks and beverages when you are with them. If you are wondering how to be a MILF than a very important step in this process is always having delicious food products on hand. This can be anything from macaroons from Ladurée to Frito corn chips with french onion dip (But get all fancy and make it all homemade with the soup packets and sour cream) to buckets of candy. Disclaimer! Do NOT use the same bathtub bucket where your bathtub guys live! Get a different bucket. The second step on how to be a MILF may involve purchasing an additional bucket where you put bags of Twizzlers and Pop Rocks. If you want to be really fancy you can use bowls instead of a bucket. The trick is always being gracious and offering people snack food and delicious items when they are with you because if you do this, people will LIKE to be with you and you have a greater chance of becoming a MILF if people want to F you to begin with. Delicious snack products can help you attain this!
You can either wear a mess of makeup including fake eyelashes and eyelash extensions and four coats of mascara and lip liner and lip plumper and lip gloss and lipstick or don’t wear any makeup at all. But you should always wear sunscreen. Or just wear some makeup. Or wear ALL the makeup. If people like you because you are clean and you have brushed teeth and you have also offered them delicious snacks they will F you whether or not you have on makeup. FACT. So you can wear makeup. Or not.
Reading books and watching good movies are both great tips on how to be a MILF, but nothing will make you wanna F less than worrying you are accruing gigantic library overdue fees or that you have forgotten to return DVDs on time, so either return these items on time or have the person you want to F return these for you. If you are well-read and you enjoy discussing movies then the person you want to F will be happy to discuss literature and plot twists with you, and people usually want to F people they enjoy talking to. But when you are all stressed because you may be getting late fees there is a chance you won’t be in the mood to F.
Always have a place by your front door where you keep items that need to be returned, like a basket or bucket, BUT PLEASE DO NOT use the same bucket you use for cleaning your cat puke sheets or the one with the candy in it or the one with the bath tub guys, use a totally different bucket. Or just have the person you F drop them off for you, either way, you cannot be a MILF if you are worried shit is overdue.
When deciding you want to learn how to be a MILF, a good question to have in mind is who exactly you want to be a MILF for. If you have a partner who already made you a Mom then chances are you want to be a MILF for them. That’s great. If you liked them enough to let them put a baby inside you or adopt a baby or become a parent with you, then hopefully they are an all-around decent person who you want to F. Hurray.
If you are single and you want to learn how to be a MILF in order to attract people, a good rule of thumb is not to F assholes. Assholes are people who are abusive or cruel or who glare at dogs you see walking down the street or who yell at waitresses and waiters and who ignore your kids when they hand them the toy telephone or who tell you that you’d be a lot prettier if you just lost 10 pounds.
You deserve to F someone who is kind and decent and charming and who makes you happy. No one should ever physically or emotionally hurt you, berate you, or make you feel bad. A very important top in how to be a MILF is not to want to F assholes. You deserve better.
Check with your doctor and make sure you are in good health, but a great tip for how to be a MILF is to either lose weight or don’t. MILFs can be any shape or size and it doesn’t matter. You can be a size zero MILF or a size 34 MILF. Any woman at any size can be a MILF, as long as you adhere to How To Be A MILF Rule Six as seen above. No matter how much you weigh, there is someone out there who wants to F you, whether it is your partner or not. Eat what you want, exercise as much and how you want, and as long as your doctor says you don’t have health problems you can weigh whatever you want. Keep in mind, some doctors are assholes who will make you feel bad regardless of how much or how little you weigh, so another excellent tip on how to be a MILF is to find a primary care physician who is honest with you and not an asshole
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